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Pickard of the pops: Hustler by Simian Mobile Disco | Music | guardian.co.uk Music
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More Popses - Mariah Carey: Touch My Body- Salt-N-Pepa: Tramp- The Steeples - Britney's Tears- Moby: Alice- Jonas Brothers: SOS- Kylie Minogue: Wow- The Futureheads: The Beginning of the Twist- Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lonely Buoy- Michael Jackson: Beat It- Janet Jackson: Deadline- Supergrass - Diamond Hoo Ha Man- Britney Spears: Piece of Me- Adele: Chasing Pavements- Wham - Last Christmas- Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas- The Maccabees: Toothpaste Kisses- Arctic Monkeys: Teddy Picker- Vampire Weekend: Mansard Roof- Spice Girls: Headlines- Simian Mobile Disco: Hustler- !!!: Yadnus-Duran Duran: Falling Over- Britney Spears: Gimme More- Tunng: Bullets- Jennifer Lopez: Do it Well- Pet Shop Boys: Integral- Cameo: Attack Me With Your Love- Kate Nash: Mouthwash- Common f. Lily Allen: Drivin' Me Crazy- KT Tunstall: Hold On- Maroon 5: Wake Up Call- Shayne Ward: If It's OK With You- Sum 41: Underclass Hero- Kanye West : Stronger- Duran Duran: Wild Boys- Mark Ronson f. Lily Allen: Oh My God-Bob Sinclar: Sound of Freedom- Bon Jovi: (You Want to) Make a Memory- Chemical Brothers: Do It Again-Paul McCartney: Dance Tonight- The White Stripes: Icky Thump- Kelly Clarkson: Never Again- Kaiser Chiefs: Everything is Average Nowadays- Red Hot Chili Peppers: Hump De Bump- Rihanna - Umbrella- Mika: Love Today- Natasha Bedingfield: I Want to Have Your Babies- Just Jack: Glory Days- My Chemical Romance: I Don't Love You- The Twang: Wide Awake- Beyonce f Shakira: Beautiful Liar- Ray Quinn: My Way- Sugababes vs Girls Aloud: Walk This Way- Robyn: Konichiwa Bitches- Justin Timberlake (and Scarlett Johansson): What Goes Around- Corinne Bailey Rae - I'd like to- Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair- Sophie Ellis Bextor: Catch You- Klaxons: Golden Skans- Leona: Moment Like This- Gwen Stefani: Wind It Up- The Killers: Bones- P!nk: Nobody Knows- Pete Bennett: Nuff Buzzin'- Take That: Patience- Justin Timberlake: My Love
This week, Anna Pickard watches and picks apart the video for Hustler by Simian Mobile Disco
Never afraid of danger, this week we tackle the video that the NME is positing is perhaps the sickest EVER. That's right. It's outrageous. It's alarming. It's...
OMG! It's a woman gyrating in a shiny swimsuit! Run for the hills!
I am, of course, kidding, that's not the offensive or alarming bit. No.
Perhaps it is this:
Which is a terrible swimsuit. But not, I would say, "sick". It's "wrong", yes. But not "sick".
Perhaps it is not the shiny, pink, ring-held one-piece that they are objecting to, now I think about it. Perhaps it is the objectification of women in this way. But then, what makes this so different from any other video with nubile, pneumatically point-nippled ladies?
No, that's some lip-licking. We have seen that before. We've seen it loads, in many a dance-related semi-nudefest. We have seen attractive young women licking their lips in builders outfits, in secretarial wear, in leotards, at carwashes, in filing cabinets, prison cells and while being beset by parachuting babies.
We have seen enough to understand that when you are young, attractive and prone to under-dressing in inappropriate situations, you sometimes get chapped lips. It is a terrible affliction. But not "sick". Unless they get cold sores as well. They're viral. No, it must be something else that is widely being condemned as...
Hang on a second! SOMEONE'S SUCKERED ME INTO WATCHING THE SPICE GIRLS VIDEO! Now that IS sick.
Oh, no, it's not the Spice Girls video. It's just the five beswimmingsuited women we have already seen, standing in a line. Phew. That was a close one. Why are they in a line? Are they queuing?
Ah yes. They are queuing for food. We see lots of different types of food flashing by in quick succession. Burger, chips, chocolate bars, cake, cake, cake, hot dog. This is terrible food. Very bad.
This must be why the outcry. At a time like this, with warnings of an obesity epidemic, to present such glamorized and unambivalently sexual images of groceries is simply beyond the pale. As are these young ladies' table manners.
What kind of a way is that to eat peanut butter, for example? Both uncouth AND unwise. The only thing you're going to get that way, my girls, is a claggy mouth. And bad indigestion. And unless you know someone with a hose full of jelly - and no, that's not a euphemism, no matter what godforsaken genre of video you are in - then you will have no joy with that peanut butter.
See? HER milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but only because they are nice tidy boys who want to clean up the dreadful mess she's been making of their yard.
It's all just going everywhere, this food, and being stepped in, rolled in, smeared, rubbed, slipped on. Spaghetti, fries, gravy...
... these poppets are having trouble getting anything down there. I'd say it was an eating disorder, but only in so far as "not being able to locate your mouth" is disorderly. It's certainly disorganised. And disappointing. And they're all looking a little dishevelled. But still, not quite what I'd call "sick".
The waste of food, of course, that's a little unpalatable, but not really... Hang about. They're eating money.
Right. Either:
1. These people are seriously mentally unbalanced; or
2. This is a deep visual metaphor, intending to convey that either:
2a. Women are being forced in these videos to debase and degrade themselves for payment, sucking it up like so much peanut butter; or
2b. Money is a bit like food, and you can eat it, even credit cards. So the diet industry is a bit like a stock market crash.
There's a lady pouring several pints of creamy, creamy milk all over her face and chest.
Cutting social commentary, indeed. It's brilliant to get this level of feminist understanding and sisterly support from a band who, the last time they made a video - for this exact some song, in fact - it consisted entirely of hot, young models snogging each other. For four minutes.
See?
Back in this version, suddenly, everything changes...
... and the women, once so perky and purty, have become gargoyle-like and deformed, plastic around the edges and - hang on, this wasn't the new Spice Girls thing was it? No, no, we're still safe - very much like, it has been said, Aphex Twin in that Windowlicker video.
Although of course, the main thing the two videos have in common is the whole massive, distorted face thing. Windowlicker is often thought of as a ground-breaking piece of video history. This is some women in swimming cossies, eating.
Oh, and being sick. The model in the blue swimming suit sicks up blue sick. The model in the red suit sicks up red. They roll around in it, a bit. They projectile vomit on each other. My, but that last pint of milk was a bad idea. This is dairy intolerance like I haven't seen it since that school-bus trip to Thorpe Park that hot summers day in 1987.
After a minute of being sick, it is all over. No, we won't be having any more pictures of that. It is icky.
Here is a nice picture of some rabbits instead.
It is the end. This much-touted, much-talked about, really very crazy and terrible and infamous Simian Mobile Disco video is at an end. Was it the sickest video ever? No. Though it might be the sickiest. As in "the one containing the most sick in it". The sickiest, yes?THE ENDWatch it here. You'll have to confirm your birthdate. Possibly to verify that you're not too old and jaded and cynical for such cutting social commentary as this. It is, of course, always possible to lie.
Have you seen a good video recently that you think should be featured in this column? If so, write to me at anna.pickard@guardian.co.uk and let us know what it is, and why ...
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